Fullmetal Babies unfinished
by SupremelyEvilCookie
Summary: Roy and Riza have a lot to take care of when Ed and Al get turned into babies! Contains RoyxRiza, but even if you're not a supporter of this pairing it wasn't meant to be a pairing thingymajig. This is mah first fanfiction, I hope you likes it!


Fullmetal Babies

Edward and Alphonse Elric walked towards the military dormitories in silence. It was about 11:45 at night, and they were walking along a busy main road. Edward was in a bad mood because the librarian told him he couldn't take the book he really wanted out because he already had too many unreturned and overdue. He had stormed out, furious, muttering to himself. Poor Al didn't know how to cheer him up. The atmosphere was heavy and would make a passer-by feel nervous. Suddenly Ed took a sharp turn into a dark alleyway. He began walking exceedingly fast. Al jogged to catch up with him.

"Brother, where are you going? You know it's not safe to go wondering about in unlit places at night!"

"Short cut. Don't worry; I've been this way before, in the daytime." Ed muttered, walking even faster.

"But, Ed!" whimpered Alphonse.

"Don't be such a baby, Al! I'm not in the mood!" Ed yelled. The next few minutes they walked in silence, except for the clanking of Al's armour. A clock rang twelve times. It was midnight.

Two men, both alchemists saw two boys walking along in the alleyway. They didn't know anything about the two; they just wanted to test their new alchemic theory on the brothers.

Ed heard Al stop walking. He sighed, this was getting annoying. He turned around.

"Come on, Al, it's only a few..." Then he saw it. A man had transmuted coils of chains to wrap themselves around Alphonse and was removing the head of the armour.

"Hey you, get your hands of my little brother!" Edward tried to run towards his brother but the other man hit him on the head with the baseball bat he was carrying. Edward slumped to the ground.

"Edward!" Alphonse yelled.

"Quickly, before anyone sees us." The man with the baseball bat said. The other one nodded.

"This one is strange. His soul is attached to the armour with some kind of alchemy." Muttered the other, nodding towards Al.

"Just a different test to the other one." The first man was talking about Edward now. Alphonse saw the alleyway fill with transmutation light, and then nothing.

Roy Mustang was walking home from East City Headquarters, very late. He planned to immediately fall asleep on his sofa when he got home. He was walking along the street when he heard muffled crying. It was coming from the alleyway was passing. He walked towards it and saw Al's armour and a pile of clothes that looked like Edward's. The crying was coming from the armour.

"What the hell are you two up to now?" he asked, but got no reply but to the wailing which sounded like it was coming from a two year old. Roy shrugged and decided to fall for whatever practical joke the brothers had set up for him. He looked into (what he thought was) Al's empty armour. The blood seal was gone, and the armour was not empty. Roy stared into the face of a two year old Al, completely naked and shivering with cold, sitting in the armour.

"What the hell...?" Roy picked the baby boy who snuggled into him for warmth. Then a different wailing started up, this time in the pile of clothes. Roy pulled them off and revealed a three year old Edward.

"Royu!" Edward cried, flailing his arms upward, wanting to be carried. Roy picked him up.

"Whoa." Roy wrapped them both in Edwards's coat which was lying on the floor. Then he half ran, half walked home. When he got there he immediately picked up the phone and started dialling 999.

"Excuse me; has there been a reporting of kidnapping recently? He asked the operator. "Really? Um, okay then. No, no, just making sure of something. Thank you. Goodbye." He hung up and dialled again.

"Hello, is this the military dorms? It's Roy Mustang, I just want to know, has Edward and Alphonse Elric come back yet? Do you know where they might be? Thank you." Then he dialled again.

"Is this East Library? I would like to know if the Fullmetal Alchemist is there. Oh, he left? So he would have gotten back by now...Damn you, Fullmetal, oh no, nothing! Sorry, goodbye!" Roy turned around and faced the two sleeping children, snuggled up on his couch. He sighed and realized he was too sleepy for any of this and he would work this out in the morning. Covering the boys with another blanket he trailed upstairs and fell asleep. He would sort it out in the morning.

The next morning Lieutenant Hawkeye found that Colonel Mustang had not come to work that day.

" Oh, sir is such a slacker, the amount of paperwork he has to do, leaving it all to your poor subordinates like _me_, so useless." She muttered. The phone rang. She picked it up.

"Hello, Lieutenant Hawkeye speaking, Colonel Mustang is not in, how may I help you?"

"I know I'm not in, that's what I'm ringing to tell you." Said the voice on the other end.

"Colonel Mustang? What are you doing? Get to work!" she hissed.

"Whew, someone's in a bad mood! Look, something really strange happened last night. Do you have any DNA sampled of Fullmetal?"

"What? I mean, of course we do, sir. May I ask why?"

"I'll tell you later, can you bring them to my house? Sorry, bit of a hold up here, no! Don't eat that!"

"Excuse me?"

"Just bring a DNA sample of Edward to my house, will you?"

Riza Hawkeye stood in front of Roy Mustang's house. She knocked on the door. Roy opened it. He was dressed in a white shirt and jeans. Riza was slightly taken aback, since she always saw him wearing his military uniform. He smiled at her.

"Thank you, lieutenant! Um, would you like to come in?"

"Colonel, why are you skipping work?" she asked him. He looked a bit nervous and then looked inside, as if checking on something.

"Riza?" he asked. This was new. They never referred to each other by names.

"Sir?"

"Are you good at changing nappies?"

Riza sat in Roy's living room, holding Al and a cup of tea. She was quite taken aback.

"So, you see," Roy explained. "I need a sample of Edward to see if this baby here," Roy pointed to Ed, who was sitting on the floor clutching a teddy bear that Roy had transmuted earlier. "...is really Ed. Then I can check if the other one is Al by seeing if they're related." Riza was still looking bewildered.

"Should I...come with you? To the DNA testing place, I mean."

"Yes please. I don't have a pram so I'll need someone to help me carry them." Roy sighed. Ed dropped the bear and toddled over to Roy.

"Royu, Royu, up! Up!" He ordered. Roy looked at him and raised his eyebrow.

"You look like Ed, but your way too cute. But then, you are very bossy, aren't you?"

"_Royuuu!_" Ed shrieked. Roy picked him up. Ed sucked his thumb and snuggled up to him. Roy sighed, but Riza instantly fell in love.

"Aaawww, how cute! Your both just to die for, yes you are!" she cooed. Ed giggled, and then hid his face in Roy's shirt.

"He's attached to me. I can't get him off. Look, Ed, say hello to Riza." Roy coaxed. Ed looked up at her with big eyes and his mouth slightly open in a very cute way.

"Wi-sa, Heyow." He said in a small voice. Riza was love struck. Roy sighed and wondered why Ed was acting like a little angel when he was really a demon. He got up.

"Well, since your here, no need to plan anything, let's go." He started walking very fast, forgetting to hold on to Ed, who was hanging on to his shirt. Riza giggled, and then realized she was with her boss, pulled herself together, and followed him with Al.

One day later, at six in the morning, Roy groggily looked through the post, followed by a half-asleep Ed, who had decided to follow him around everywhere. Roy found one from the DNA testing agency.

"_It__'__s__positive!__"_ Roy was torn between being amazed and being not too bothered. "I'd better...tell Fuhrer Bradley." He went over to the phone and dialled the Fuhrers Office number. The secretary answered.

"Hello, this is the Fuhrers Office, how may I help you?"

"This is Roy Mustang. I would like to have a word with Fuhrer King Bradley about the Fullmetal Alchemist."

"Just a minute, I'll put you right through." There was silence for a bit, and then a man's voice sounded.

"Hello? Fuhrer King Bradley speaking."

"Good day sir. This is Colonel Mustang; I have some strange news regarding the Elric brothers."

"Ah, Colonel Mustang! You haven't been at work recently. And the Elric brothers you say? That's strange, you're usually not at all bothered by whatever they get up to."

"Well, sir, a few nights ago, they didn't come back to the dorm that they were staying at. Also, the reason why I have been off is because I have been doing some tests."

"Tests?"

"DNA tests. To see if it really is Fullmetal and his brother. You see sir, well, the Elric brothers seem to have had their age reversed."

"What on earth do you mean?" the Fuhrer asked.

"Edward and Alphonse are both _babies.__"_

"Ah. Do you mind if I come over to see if this isn't a practical joke?"

"Why would I do that, sir?" the Colonel was slightly taken aback.

"No idea. And also, does anyone else know about this?"

"Only Lieutenant Hawkeye. I told her because I needed help nappy-changing."

"WAHAHAHAHA! Alright then, I'll be over at eleven o clock sharp to decide what to do with them. See you later Mustang!" The call ended. Roy put the phone down, turned to Ed and smiled.

"I think I put him in a good mood, don't you?"

It was almost eleven. Al was sitting on the couch and Ed was on the floor banging a wooden spoon onto a pan. Al was trying to sing along. The boys were both wearing Roy's old shirts that hung limply like nightgowns down to their ankles. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Roy, who was in his military uniform rushed to answer it. Standing at the door was Fuhrer President King Bradley, along with two other military officials and Lieutenant Hawkeye. They all saluted.

"May we come in?" King Bradley asked, smiling.

"Yes sir!" Roy answered. He led them in to the living room. Ed had stopped playing with the pot and the wooden spoon and was now snuggled up to Al, sucking his thumb. They all sat down.

"Would you like some tea?" Roy asked.

"No, I would just like to discuss the matter of the Elric brothers." King Bradley told him. "You see, it is easy to send a squad to search for the people who put them like this, but since they have no guardian that is in Central we must decide who is going to look after them."

"Huh?"

"I suggest that you look after them, Colonel Mustang, along with Lieutenant Hawkeye. Think of it as babysitting on your leave, only it's a special assignment I've given you. I'll work something out so that you can get a bit of money out of Fullmetal's account so that you can buy some clothes and other things."

"Uh, yes sir." Roy uttered, feeling strange.

"If that's all, let's go then! Lieutenant Hawkeye, you can stay here. Oh, and by the way, you don't have to wear military clothes around your own house Roy. Goodbye." And the Fuhrer left, along with the other two men. Ed looked up, and then proclaimed proudly:

"Shit!" as if it was a good word. Roy and Riza glared at him, and he shrunk back. "Poo."

Roy woke up. Yesterday he had gone shopping for some material with Riza and spent the rest of the day transmuting it into various things Riza had told him the average baby needs. Suddenly, wailing erupted from the spare room. He got up and changed Al's nappy.

"Ew, Al, you stink!" he exclaimed, throwing the nappy in the bin.

"Stinky!" Al repeated. Then he made a scrunched up expression and proclaimed. "Hungey."

Roy sighed. He really hated this. Maybe he could just ignore them and make Riza do all the work? No, she wouldn't be here until nine o clock and that was in two hours.

Edward woke up. He could remember names and faces of when he was fifteen, but he still had the complete mind of a three year old. Roy came upstairs and opened the door. Edward thrust his arms up in the air and promptly said:

"Up!" he ordered. Roy plucked him out of his cot and put him on the floor.

"No, up!" Edward whined. Roy gave him an evil eye.

"No way in hell. Your three years old; that's old enough to go up and down stairs. However, two year olds need some help." He started walking towards the staircase. Edward started screaming.

"Oh for god's sake. I can't do this, I really can't." Roy rushed down the stairs, put Al in a highchair and rushed back up.

"Edward, if you don't stop being so childish _right__now,_ I'm gonna...I'm gonna...send you to the _naughty__step!_" He came up with that just that moment. Edward's eyes filled with tears.

"_Nooo!__You__'__re__so__mean,__Royuuu!__"_ he shrieked.

"Hey, hey, that's _Colonel__Mustang_ to you, Fullmetal!" Roy scolded.

"Kunnel Mustag?" Edward stopped crying and immediately converted to being confused.

"Oh, okay, Roy then. Come on then Edward, are you hungry?" Roy asked as he picked the toddler up.

"Yay! Yes hungry." Edward beamed as Roy took him downstairs. Roy made some porridge and poured then into three bowls. He had to feed Al because when Al tried to feed himself, it went everywhere. Edward could eat by himself but he got it all round his mouth. Just as Roy had settled down so that _he_ could have his breakfast, the doorbell rang. Roy got up and went to answer the door. Edward struggled out of his chair, fell out and ran after him.

"Good morning, Lieutenant Hawkeye." Roy and Riza saluted each other. Before Riza could greet him back, Edward tried to copy Roy.

"Lootent Hokeye!" He repeated.

"Looty Hockey!" Al tried to say from the depths of the kitchen. Riza laughed and picked him up.

"How's it going, little guy?" Immediately in reaction for being called little, Edward hit her.

"Edward! No, naughty!" Roy scolded. "Now say sorry to Riza."

"All tall people shall be condemned to eternal hell." Edward said in a too-deep-for-a-three-year-old's mvoice. Roy and Riza stared at him, shocked.

"H-how did his vocabulary get so big all of a sudden...?" Riza asked. Suddenly, there was a large crash from the kitchen. Colonel Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye ran to the scene, where poor Al, who wanted to get down, had accidently knocked the high-chair he was in over. His nose was bleeding and he had a bruise on his forehead. He looked up, went cross-eyed and immediately burst into tears. Roy picked him up and examined his head.

"It looks fine, just a bruising, that's all." He told no one in particular. Al bawled louder. "Aw, there there, it's okay. Shall we get some ice for that injury? There there, shhh." Alphonse sniffed and sucked his thumb, hiccupping every now and then.

"I think that they're a bit restless, that's all." Riza decided. "Maybe we could take them to the park."

"Yeah, that's a good, idea. Let's just let Al calm down a bit." Roy replied. "You go and get Ed dressed and washed and I'll get Alphonse ready." Riza nodded and went upstairs with Edward.

Lieutenant Hawkeye prepared and laid out both of the brothers' clothes on the bed while Ed explored Roy's bedroom. It would be pretty boring for a normal three-year old, but Ed had some other ideas, and started rooting around in the drawers while Riza wasn't looking. It wasn't long until he had found something that _looked_ pretty interesting enough. It had been in the bin. It smelt funny. Ed stuck it in his mouth.

Roy reckoned Al had had enough calming down time by now, so he went upstairs where Riza had gotten out Al's clothes. Meanwhile, Riza, was looking around for Ed, and discovered him messing around in Roy's drawers.

"Hey, Ed. The Colonel isn't going to be happy when he finds out your rooting around in his stuff. Hey, what have you got there, Ed?" she leaned down and looked at it. At that moment, Roy came into the room with Al dribbling down his shirt. First he saw Riza, trying to take something out of Ed's hand, and Ed, refusing to let go. Riza couldn't exactly see what was in Ed's hand, but she managed to pull it out. In between her finger and thumb was a used condom. Riza shrieked and dropped it. Ed picked up again and stuck it in his mouth again.

"Ed!" Colonel Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye said at the same time. Riza gingerly plucked it out of Ed's hands and threw it on the bed. Ed stood up, rooted around in Roy's drawers and found a packet of them.

"No, Ed!" Riza cried, almost in tears.

"Don't worry, that one's unused." Roy reassured her.

"Sir! That doesn't help!" she yelled at him as she tugged desperately at it from Ed's hand. Roy shrugged and put them both on a shelf, high up, away from Ed and Al's reach.

"Well," sighed Roy. "Now you know what I get up to in my spare time." Riza turned red.

Riza pushed the pram along through the park as Roy walked next to her. It was fall and the leaves of red, orange, yellow and green littered the park.

"Now, Lieutenant, are you _sure_you don't want me to push them along...?" Roy tried to take the buggy from her.

"Yes sir, I'm _fine,_ stop fussing." Riza brushed his hand away. Roy sighed and shrugged. Edward struggled at the straps and whined. He pointed at the swings.

"Royuuu!" he whined. Alphonse followed suit. Roy undid the straps and let them run free. Almost immediately they simultaneously fell over. This was followed by crying. Roy sighed.

"I feel so sorry for their mother..." he said.

"I can kind of see why their dad left them..." Riza commented.

After cleaning the boys up and leaving them to play in the sandpit, Roy and Riza leaned against a tree together, watching the boys from a distance.

"They're both so tiring...!" Exclaimed Riza.

"Tell me about it!" Roy sighed. The red, orange and brown leaves surrounded them as they sat together under the tree. Riza was looking fondly at the boys.

"It's giving me an idea about how it would be like living in a proper family..." she said.

"If this lasts any longer, those two will be calling us 'Mama' and 'Papa'." Roy commented. Riza laughed.

"I'm 'Mama', am I?"

"No. We're both 'Mama' if Ed's got anything to do with it." Roy told her. Riza giggled again.

"I really think he likes you."

"It's scary."

"What, you being 'Mama' or him liking you?"

"No, Ed being smaller than he already was. How can that toddler be fifteen!" Roy looked at Riza. "Am I the only person who get's nightmares from this?"

"Yes, definitely."

"And they both like sleeping in the bed with me. I asked them why, and Ed said it was like being 'in one big happy family'."

"That's so sweet!"

"I like sleeping _only_with _pretty__women..._"

"Well, if you keep sleeping with pretty woman, you're going to end up with kids, you know."

"Well, I'm not an idiot. I know how _not_to get kids...Um, how did we move on to this topic of conversation?"

"I have no idea. Maybe it's your personality?"

"Shut up." Roy sniffed.

"!" Edward yelled, running up to the two adults, Alphonse trying to catch up behind him. Edward was holding something in his hands. "Look what I found, Royu!" Edward held it up for Roy to see. It was dog poo.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAARRRGHH!" Roy jumped backwards and tripped over Riza. "P-p-put that back! Throw it away!"

"What, this?" Edward asked, thrusting it closer. Roy whimpered.

"Throw it away, good boy, if you throw it away I'll get you an ice-cream..."

"Okay! Yay, ice-cream!" Edward threw the poo forward –landing on Roy.

"YAARGH! You idiot!" Roy yelled. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Passers-by gave Roy dirty looks. Ed whimpered, scrunched up his face and burst into tears.

"Ah...Okay...I'm sorry...I just lost it, okay, I'm sorry. But, I mean, it was poop! Come on, Ed! Aw, there there..." Roy picked up the bawling Ed and cradled him in his arms. Edward sniffed and put his thumb in his mouth. Roy rubbed noses with Ed. "Forgive me?" Ed nodded.

"Forgive Papa."

"You mean, 'Royu'." Roy corrected. Edward shook his head fiercely.

"No! Papa!" he insisted. Roy sighed.

"Okay then." Ed snuggled Roy and nuzzled him. Roy thought it was incredibly sweet –until Ed bit him on the nose.

"Oww! Ow! Edward...GET...OFF...!" Roy shouted. Edward struggled free and ran off. Alphonse giggled and followed suit.

"No, Alphonse, aw, I give up..." Roy sunk onto the floor. Riza laughed and rooted around in her handbag for some wet wipes, which she had packed for cases of sticky little fingers instead of wiping dog poo of her superior's shirt. She wiped it clean and threw the wipe in the bin.

"Thanks." Roy sighed. They snuggled back behind the tree again. The leaves falling around them blended together like reddish-brown rainbows.

"A big happy family...huh?" Riza said softly. Roy put him arm round her and the pair looked into each others eyes.

"It makes me think...If the kids weren't so insane...This would be picture-perfect, wouldn't it?" Roy whispered.

"Too bad it isn't the real thing." Riza looked down sadly.

"We can't make Ed and Al our actual kids, but maybe...maybe _we_could be...picture perfect?" And softly, slowly, gently, Roy pulled Riza's face closer to his and their lips embraced. Riza felt a burst of fireworks rush to her head, whereas Roy...Well, it wasn't like with other women. He felt this warm feeling in the pit of his stomach. If he closed his eyes...All the despair and misery of being a State Alchemist, no, being in the military would all wash away, and he had settled down with his beloved wife and their two children...

"Papa?" Roy and Riza looked up. Edward and Alphonse were staring up at them with looks of amazement of their faces. Then, Ed scrunched up his face like he was about to cry.

"No fair! Ed wants to join in too! You left Ed out!" He yelled, and clambered onto Roy's lap and quite literally snogged him.

"Ew!" Alphonse exclaimed. Riza put her hand to her mouth, covering a smile. Roy just looked stunned for a couple of seconds, then flung Edward away.

"What the hell? Normal kids aren't meant to know how to kiss like that! Heck, you were better than Riza if your breath didn't stink of nappies! What on earth have you been eating while we weren't looking?"

"Poop!" Edward smiled, revealing bits of brown smudges on his face. Roy stood up and began to walk away.

"Don't wait for me. I'll be busy throwing up." He said, and with that, ran as fast as he could to the public toilets.

"Edward, you shouldn't eat that..." Riza said, wiping it from Ed's mouth and checking Alphonse for any poop-eating signs as well. But then, she wasn't really paying attention to what was going on around her. She was still kissing Roy...The moment never leaving her head for a moment.

Finally, the boys fell asleep, and Roy collapsed on the sofa and undid the top two buttons of his shirt.

"I've still got a report to write about the boys. And then I've got to give it in to the office tomorrow."

"How about I give it in for you?"

"No! I need you to help with nappy-changing! It's hell on a hell sandwich! With a side order of hell!"

"Nyaw, I'll come round early to help you tomorrow." Riza cooed, patting the exhausted Roy on his head.

"Say, how about we both go to the office, but you hand in the papers while I dump the kids on Havoc or someone and I'll try to catch some shut-eye. Alphonse is whining all night and Edward snores like a pig." Roy begged. Riza smiled and ruffled his hair.

"Yeah, sure." She smiled. Roy smiled back and stroked her hand.

"Riza," he whispered in her ear. "Let's finish what we started in the park." Riza was overwhelmed by Roy's confidence as they both lay on the sofa. Roy fingered the straps on her dress, but she slapped him away.

"Let's go up to my room." He whispered. Giggling, Riza followed him, holding hands. She was excited and curious. They flicked the light off and snuggled in the dark, clothes falling to the floor. They chased each other and tickled one and other. Riza dived under the duvet –to be met by something small, squishy and very, very Edward.

"Ed wants to play too." He said in a small voice. There was complete and utter silence for a couple of moments. Then there was a scuffling noise.

"Bloody hell, Edward, get _off!_" Roy shouted somewhere in the dark.

"But I saw Riza doing it to you. You like it, Papa."

"Go do it with Alphonse or someone, not me!" There was a noise that sounded like Edward being pushed off the bed, and then after moments thought, a little voice said: "Okay." And then Edward plodded out of the room and into his and Al's.

"Al, Al, wake up!"

"Don't do it with anybody! Ed!" Roy yelled, and ran out and shoved Edward in his crib. He came storming back in and closed the door, engulfing the pair in darkness once more.

"Now, where were we?" Roy asked, stroking Riza's hand. Then he stopped.

"Your hand is tiny." He observed.

"That's not my hand."

"Then who's...?"

"Goo." Edward announced sleepily.

"AAARGH! BLOODY HELL! HOW IN THE..."

"Not so loud." Riza hushed him.

"But...But..." Roy hugged Riza. "I'm scared. A demon called Edward is haunting me.

"Don't be absurd."

"Well, look behind me! Edward is right there..." The light flicked on. Nobody was there.

"You're just dreaming, Roy."

"I...I guess I am." They both heaved themselves back into bed, sitting up next to each other in an awkward silence.

"Papa, you stay up very, very late." Edward said from in between the two.

**THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS MANY SWEARING AND POSSIBLE CHIBI-ABUSE. NO, NOT _THAT_KIND OF ABUSE, YOU DIRTY-MINDED FANGIRLS. JUST ROY VIOLENTLY SHOVING ED INTO HIS COT AND TRANSMUTING IT INTO A CAGE, A FEW PAGES OF YELLING AND SWEARING ETC.**

The next morning, everyone except innocent, carefree Alphonse woke up with bags under their eyes. Edward and Roy were in especially rotten moods as they left the house for Central Military Head Quarters. When they got there, Ed had perked up by the prospect of a day out, whereas Roy was even sleepier. He was happy to go and collapse in the Nap Room for half an hour while Fury, Havoc, Falman and Breda stared in disbelief at the babies, who stared back with equal confusion.

"Wow! It's so amazing! Who ever thought this is what Alphonse would look like in his human body!" Fury exclaimed, his eyes as wide as saucepans.

"Uh, Fury? You do realize that the Alphonse we know would be at least eleven, not two." Breda sighed at his fellow officer.

"I know, but I never expected Alphonse to be this cute!"

"That's because he's a _baby..._" The two bickered on at each other for a while. Havoc picked up a squirming Edward with one hand and examined him.

"I wonder how the hell this happened. I mean, this is so totally Ed, yet it so totally _isn__'__t.__"_ He observed, taking a drag on his cigarette. Falman plucked Edward from Havoc's grip and stole his cigarette.

"That's not how you hold babies, Havoc. And also, it's harmful to them to smoke right next to them. Their lungs haven't fully developed yet."

"I know Edward and all those insanely loud rants he goes on, his lungs are definitely developed."

"Just shut up and keel over from cancer."

"If you keep that rude behaviour up, I might do that."

"'Ook, 'ook! Al, come!" Edward was suddenly curious about something on a desk. He pulled Alphonse to a desk piled high with paperwork. He stared at it, entranced.

"Oh, you like that?" Fury asked, laughing. "That's just paperwork Ed; it's really boring and it takes ages!"

"Meow!" Edward exclaimed and tipped over a cup of cold coffee onto the paperwork, ruining everything. There was a moment of silence as the military officers stared in horror at the mess. Then, they all simultaneously erupted into panic.

"Aaaaargh! The colonel's gonna kill me and eat the evidence!" Havoc cried.

"How the hell could Edward _do_such a thing!" Breda screamed.

"Oh no, oh no, I spent ages on that, what are we gonna do...?" Fury moaned.

"Uuurhhnn..." Falman whined. Edward stared at them and giggled. Alphonse, however, began to bawl loudly, scared at the amount of noise coming from everyone at once. Edward tried to hug Alphonse, but then got bored and started screaming. There was a loud, slow creak as the door opened. Everyone stopped making noise and stared in terror at the furious, exhausted and very cranky Roy Mustang, who leaned on the doorway looking down.

"What the hell..." he looked up and practically murdered them with a look. "_IS__CAUSING__YOU__TO__MAKE__SO__MUCH__BLOODY__NOISE!__"_

"Aah! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm..." Fury panicked.

"It's was all Edward's fault, he never has any compassion for us hard-working..." Havoc complained.

"Don't yell! It's hard enough with a bawling baby...!" Breda retaliated.

"Uuurhhnn..." Falman moaned.

"_SHUT__UP!__" _Mustang roared. The men snapped into a terrified salute.

"Yes Sir!" At that moment, Alphonse and Edward began to cry again. Ed took two staggering steps forward, his arms outstretched, his big, cute, wide eyes staring at Roy.

"_Royuuu...!__" _he whimpered. Mustang dropped the scary superior stance and ran to their attention, cooing over them like a mother goose.

"Oh, Edward, have you hurt yourself? You've got tea all over you...Oh, did you scald yourself? Oh, Alphonse, you must have gotten scared of all the noise. Here, it's okay, don't cry, Roy's here.

"Papa!" Alphonse snivelled. Roy stood up, cradling the boys gently. He looked up at his inferiors.

"You haven't been paying attention to them...have you?" he said in a deeply scary voice. But none of them flinched as they were more confused about what Alphonse said.

"Papa? What was that about?" Havoc asked.

"I never thought Edward would love you so much, Colonel." Breda noticed.

"Those two are little devils! How can you love them so?" Fury whined.

"Devils? Even though I know its bad-tempered Edward, how can I not help but fall in love with him? He's adorable! Ditto Alphonse!"

"That's not what you said when Edward snogged you after eating dog crap." Hawkeye said, walking into the room carrying a pile of documents. There were stifled giggles coming from Fury, Breda, Havoc and Falman.

"Yes, well, he's small and he didn't know what he was doing."

"Or when he threw the dog crap on you."

"Yes, well..."

"Or, perhaps the time he did that demon teleportation thing?"

"Well I was obviously...

"Or when he wouldn't let go of your shirt?"

"Isn't that...?"

"Or when he insisted you, he and Al took a bath together?"

"He asked you to join in too!"

"Or when he tried to make up with you by fondling you?"

"I was trying to forget about that!"

"And when he tried to show Alphonse how to do it?"

"Ah..."

"Or when he found a used condom in your bin and started eating it?"

"Okay, okay, fine! He's a tiny ass-hole! Thanks for helping me stick up for him!"

"But he's so sweet on a good day..."

"Argh! Make up your bloody mind!

"Geez, colonel, it seems you've been having a hard time with looking after the brothers…!" Fury commented.

"For your information," Roy said as he picked up the two bawling babies. "I have been absolutely fine with Lieutenant Hawkeye's help. Now, Lieutenant, are you done here?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. We shall be on our way." And they all left. There was an awkward silence until finally Breda broke it.

"Have you noticed how the colonel has turned into a stuck-up mother?"

Meanwhile, deep underground, Envy leered at the snarling chimera that longed to bite into the sneering homunculus's flesh. Envy had been called by the Father 'to carry out a very important job'. Envy had no idea what was going on. For the past few days he had been terrorising a small village by frightening them into believing the place was haunted. He chuckled at the thought of when a fully-grown man wet his pants. He entered the room in which his father stayed and bowed low.

"Father, you wanted me?" he asked obediently.

"Yes. You see, the meddling Elric brothers who have come close many times to discovering our plans, have become completely helpless."

"How do you mean?"

"According to your younger brother Wrath, they have been mysteriously turned into babies." The Father replied. Envy threw back his head and laughed.

"Ha! So, what do you want me to do? They are our sacrifices, it could be a problem if they are babies when we carry out the ritual…"

"I want you to bring them to me. We have hired the two men who did this to them, and when the time comes we shall simply turn them back into their original ages, and then finally dispose of them when their uses are over. I trust you can bring them here, Envy?"

"Yes, Father!" Envy grinned.

"Come on, Edward, into your pajamas." Riza called after Ed tiredly as he energetically pranced around in a nappy. She managed to catch him and stuff him into his cow-themed pajamas. Edward screamed.

"Look, I know you hate these pajamas, but they'll have to do. You threw your other ones in the bath."

"But I don't like milk!"

"Milk makes you tall!" Riza cried at him. Ed pouted and allowed her to slip him into his cow-themed pajamas. He wasn't as hyperactive and stubborn as he was with Riza than he was with Roy. As Riza tucked Ed under the covers and patted his little head, Roy came in carrying a freshly-washed Alphonse, who had just finished drinking some warm milk. Neither Roy nor Riza dared to force Ed to drink his milk any longer. The two watched and stared at the boys for a while, then left as Edward and Alphonse settled into a deep sleep. Not Roy or Riza suspected that anything would go wrong that night.

They were very, very wrong.

It was about eleven o clock when Roy finally started snoring. In the nursery, Ed and Al never woke up when the window slid open. Even when the icy cold wind blew in, they were tucked tight into their nest of blankets. Envy slipped through the window. He had two tasks: the first, two kidnap the Elric brothers. The second, to steal just enough supplies for the two young children. He opened up a large brown bad and stuffed inside it everything he saw: clothes, nappies, bottles, even a couple of books and some toys. He zipped it up. It was not the loud steps of Envy, or the cold wind blowing against his face that woke the little Alphonse, but the noise of the zipper zipping up the brown bag. Instead of crying, Al looked sleepily at Envy.

"Nyan…" he yawned. Envy saw him, then, before Alphonse could realize what was going on, he was scooped out of his cot, and Edward too. Edward was still asleep, but Alphonse was frightened. He burst into tears.

"No, no, no! Shut up, not now!" Envy cried. Even he didn't have the heart to gag the baby. He picked up the bag, and before Roy could register that a fully-grown man's voice coming down the baby monitor as well as Alphonse's wails, Envy had leapt into the night.

Roy rushed into the nursery. His eyes widened. The whole room had been ransacked, books, toys, clothes, most of them were gone. But the most frightening thing of all: the brothers were missing, and the windows wide open.

"Riza! Riza! Come quick!" Roy shouted, not able to move from the scene. Riza ran into the room. She was gob-smacked.

"The…The kids…!"

"Their gone…!" Roy moaned. Riza was quick to act. She whipped downstairs and dialled not the police, but the Fuhrer himself. She got his secretary, but she yelled down the phone anyway.

"They've been kidnapped! The Elric Brothers have been kidnapped! Please, come quick!"

They had been travelling for ten minutes now. Al had woken Ed, who was also now pummelling at Envy's chest and screaming as loud as he could. Envy's head was ringing. Soon he got to the sewer entrance and ran down the steps. The cries echoed in an eerie kind of way. Ed and Al quietened down, whimpering and sobbing, wondering where they were. As Envy reached the entrance to his Father's lair, he remembered his Father's instructions. _Do__not__bring__the__boys__to__me,__but__put__them__in__the__room__we__have__gotten__ready__for__them._Envy dumped the bag down the moment he went through the door and shoved the two boys in the crib.

"If you even make _one__sound__…_" Envy threatened. "You'll be sorry." The brothers sunk into the cot, clutching at each other for comfort, wondering when Roy and Riza would come barging through the door and save them.

"But how did they get in?" the Fuhrer interrogated the two military officers.

"I don't know…It seems like they came in through the window…" Roy said, staring at the floor in worry.

"Shouldn't it have been locked?" Bradley asked. Riza gasped.

"Oh my goodness! I opened the window just before they had their evening bath! I…I…I closed it, but I forgot to lock it!" She burst into tears. "It's all my fault…I'm a terrible, terrible lieutenant!"

"No, you're a brilliant lieutenant, Miss Hawkeye, you're just not a very experienced mother." Bradley reassured. Riza kept sobbing more.

"They were both so sweet, it was like having a family of my own…I was so caught up in my own fantasies I forgot that this was my job…I never took all the necessary precautions…Oh, those two…Alphonse is such a coward, him and Edward will be scared to death…Ohhohoh…" Riza sunk into the sofa. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…!"

"Have you found any leads yet?" Roy asked desperately. "Please, where did the kidnapper go?"

"We've looked around. There are no leads, anywhere. No witnesses, no evidence of anyone on the streets."

"But…But…There's got to be some theory…!"

"There is just _one._It is, that you two kidnapped the brothers, and set it up to make it seem like you're innocent!"

"We would never do such a thing! Why on earth would we kidnap them if they are already living with us!" Roy yelled.

"That's what we don't know. I'm afraid…I'm afraid you're going to have to be put on household arrest until we find the brothers." Bradley sighed.

"No! We can't stay here! We've got to find them! Please…Give us just a few days…Let us…Please let us find Ed and Al!" Riza cried.

"I'm sorry. We can't, you're a suspect…"

"Mr. President, sir, please give us a chance. Your men can watch us while we work, but please let us conduct a search!" Roy begged. The Fuhrer grimaced, then gave in.

"Fine. But if we find any evidence against you, we'll stick you straight in prison." The Fuhrer replied. Riza and Roy looked at each other. Where could Ed and Al be? And how would they find them?

Envy went into the brothers' room. It was the middle of the night and neither of them was awake yet. Envy sighed and sat down. He hated babies. He hated children. And he hated the Elric Brothers. He looked over into the cot where the brothers were sleeping. At least they were at his mercy, he thought. The air filled with a foul pong. Edward opened his eyes.

"Ed did oopsie." Ed announced sleepily. Envy groaned.

"Lust, Lust, help me!" Envy shook Lust awake.

"Envy? What are you doing in my bedroom?" Lust rubbed her eyes and sat up. Envy blushed; she was wearing a very revealing nightie.

"Lust, Edward did a poo! What should I do now?" Envy panicked. Lust laughed.

"Oh, Envy! You have to change his nappy! Don't you know how to do that?" she asked. Envy shook his head earnestly. She sighed and got up.

"Look, let me show you."

"Okay, so now what?" Lust asked Envy after throwing the dirty nappy in the bin.

"I don't know. I think we have to get this new nappy," he held up the fresh nappy. "Onto him." He pointed at Edward, who was quite happy rolling around on the table, singing. He seemed to have forgotten he'd been kidnapped. Envy and Lust then spent the next half an hour trying to figure out how it worked.

"Wow, these nappies really are complex machinery!" Envy exclaimed. At that moment, Pride burst in.

"_Why__are__you__both__making__so__much__noise__so__late__at__night!__" _he yelled. Even though he had the body of a small child, he was actually the oldest (and most scary) homunculus.

"Ah, Pride, great timing!" Envy exclaimed. "Help us put the nappy on Edward." Envy pointed at Edward. Unfortunately, Edward wasn't there anymore. "Aargh! Where did he go?"

"He's over here." Pride said, annoyed. Edward was clinging to Pride's hand, staring up at him with a look of interest on his face. Pride sighed.

"Look, let me show you how it's done." Pride picked up Edward. Except, he picked Edward up the way a six year old may pick up their little sibling half their age. It made Pride lose his immense aura of menace and reverted him into a really small kid.

"Pride, that's not how you hold Edward, let me show you…" Envy tried to take Edward from him, but Pride snapped back.

"I know perfectly well how to hold a baby!" At that exact moment, Edward raised his arms and slipped out of Pride's arms. Lust scooped him up and placed him on the table.

"Okay, Pride, show us how to put on a nappy!" she exclaimed. Pride looked at Edward, then looked at the nappy. He thought about it for a while.

"Why should I help you with such an easy task? Go figure it out yourself!" and he ran out the room, avoiding the humiliation of not being able to do so.


End file.
